Photo

From time to time I update my photo on Facebook, or sms one to my Mum who doesn't live nearby... But I always hold the camera up above my head, for the most flattering angle. It hides my extra chins, emphasises my cheekbones, and widens my eyes.

Every once in a while (like at a party last night for example) I see a photo someone else has taken - just a straight-on, regular photo - the way that people see me every day. No flattering angles or tricky lighting, just me, as others know me. In recent years, I have been genuinely shocked to see myself this way. (And shocked at the fact that I feel shocked - because I do after all possess a mirror at home! - But it's easy to focus on certain areas, and not really take in the whole "you" just standing there). Anyway, when I see photos of myself I cannot believe how big I have gotten. I would hate to look so bloated and unwell in my wedding photos...

Here's an example: a happy-snap taken at a friend's 80's themed birthday party last night. (Yes, I'm in costume!) I saw this and thought "oh, God". It's not meant to be a horrible portrayal of me - just a regular party snapshot. But it's just the way any such photo makes me feel... Big. Ashamed. Unhealthy. Unfit. Bloated. Unwell.

                                                                     12 May, 2012

I'm sure it could be worse, but I certainly don't LOVE looking this way. And would you believe in this photo I'm wearing tummy control underwear - those thick, tight undies that tuck right up under your bra. Yep. Which reminds me - about 2 weeks ago a lady asked if I was pregnant! That's the second time in about 2 years that someone's asked. Groaaaan...

So, the question is questions are-
What am I going to DO to change the way I look and feel?
When am I going to get started and take changes seriously?
What the hell am I waiting for, and Why?!

Here's an interesting article I recently came across online:
http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/6-keys-to-overcome-fear-and-doubt/

disMAY !

It's May! Reading through my previous posts I can see that I've not even TRIED to reach goals that I've set myself?!

10th May weight: 113.4

Also, our wedding is planned* for August 2013.... Giving me 15 months to get to a point where I can bare seeing photos of myself!
*The wedding date has kept moving annually, due to moving house, changing jobs, financial issues, etc. I'm quite determined to be married by 2013 - no ifs, buts, or maybes!!! Nothing is booked or locked in yet - but i'm making it my mission in 2012!

Also, IVF.... We want children. We apparently can't do it naturally - (due to a failed vasectomy reversal) so we need to pay for assistance via IVF. We're scheduling an initial appointment in June to find out what's involved, costs, and how my current state of health & weight will affect our chances of success. We don't have much money, but after finding out the facts, would potentially be hoping to get started by December 2012.

Saw a new GP recently - she seemed nice so will go back in coming weeks to schedule a full blood work up & review of medications etc. I tend to blame the FM for my constant tiredness - but much of it is actually likely related to the T2 Diabetes that I basically generally ignore - bar taking my tablets. Not good.

Still have yet to get into regular walking... We live in a nice area though so I'm going to try to make it a regular event :)

To think, my "healthy weight range" is 54-68 kg - I have a looooong way to go!!! But I don't even bother thinking about that at this stage. Just getting under 100kg would be such an achievement! From there, new goals to head toward 85kg, maintain, and refresh goals again from there...

Feeling overwhelmed.

But "onward and upward" as my fiancé sometimes says, lol.