Tick-Tock

Tick-tock, tick-tock! Time keeps ticking, even if we don't!

Make a change. Make a start. Make a commitment. This is what I tell myself, while simultaneously avoiding doing these things. Why? Why is it that I continually CHOOSE to remain overweight and unfit, rather than taking control and becoming the person I want to be (healthy, happy, and able to wear clothes that more accurately reflect my personality rather than clothes that simply fit).
I have wondered "why" for years really... And at times thought that dismissing the quest to uncover the reasons would be more productive. Instead I could focus on making the necessary daily changes... But I seem to go around and around, tangled in my own personal sticky spider web again.

Guilt. Frustration. Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Frustration. Guilt.
These are the feelings I have when I think about the state of my health, and the importance of losing weight. I know it's possible to lose weight. I have lost some in the past. I have also been unsuccessful in losing weight on many occasions. I have seen dieticians, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, naturopaths, joined Weight Watchers 3 times, and paid the required money to follow the Sure Slim program. I've watched TV shows such as the Biggest Loser with great interest, have borrowed and purchased various books, and even read some of them!
I have previously also tried regular walking, aerobic dvd workouts at home, gym classes, gym visits for cardio and weights, and personal training, aqua classes and casual swimming, martial arts classes, and even belly dancing - but never really got to that "zone" people talk about where it suddenly becomes an enjoyable and easy activity to look forward to rather than dread! And so, I feel that consistency is my downfall there.

Making big changes feels very uncomfortable, and I believe we are naturally inclined to resist, even if we know the outcome is for the better good! I do feel bad about what I am doing to my body, and the happy and physically active experiences I put off for pursuing "one day when I am slimmer/thinner/fitter..."
I have lived thirty-three years of my life - I don't know how many more I have. Maybe 60? Maybe 30? Maybe just 3? Tick-tock tick-tock... Make a change. Make a start. Make a commitment.

Yeah, Whatever!

So I've been thinking a bit lately. Thinking about my life. Thinking about how I feel about myself.
I originally started this blog to talk about food & exercise mainly - as a form of online accountability. But at the moment I don't feel as though food or exercise is causing my weight issue - or that focussing on those things will fix it. Obviously these things affect health and weight, but what I'm trying to say is that the problem is in my head. It's psychological. It's emotional. It's attached to all aspects of my life like intricately sticky spider webs, obscuring my view, preventing my movement, binding me, and filling me with fear.

Along with being overweight (or technically "obese"), I mentioned previously that I have other health issues. These are:
* Clinical Depression / Anxiety (medicated)
* Hypertension (medicated)
* Diabetes Mellitus Type 2 (medicated)
* Fibromyalgia
* Asthma (occasional use of inhaler)

So in more familiar terms, I have depression, experience a lot of anxiety, have high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes (non-insulin dependant, so no injections), mild asthma, and fibromyalgia (similar to chronic fatigue syndrome in many ways) - visit http://sacfs.asn.au/download/fm_overview.pdf for more info.

So with all this fatigue, lethargy, huffing, puffing, & panicking - I'm supposed to be able to get myself on track to lose weight!!! Hmmm. Ultimately being lighter & fitter will absolutely help ALL of these conditions, but the conditions themselves make it increasingly difficult to carry out the necessary tasks to become fitter & lighter. Still, I do realise that achieving weight-loss goals IS possible. I just need to get my head around it.

Be thankful

Situations close to home remind us to be thankful for what we have.
Freedom, choices, safety, family, friends, income, food, shelter, access to medical care, and so on...
It's easy to get caught up with the little things on a daily basis, and lose our place. With all these supports and options available, I ask myself "what will I chose to do next, and why?"

About me.

I've always been slightly overweight, and can recall being teased in school about it - although when I look back at photos I don't think I appear much over average weight?! Anyway, I was always shy & very sensitive to criticism.
By age 18 I dropped most of the excess weight I was carrying, and proudly got to my record weight of 63kg. This is actually the healthy weight for my height, and I managed to wear a size 12 comfortably. Unfortunately I lost the weight in an unhealthy manner by virtually starving myself and exercising for hours each day before falling exhaustedly into bed (without dinner).
To cut a long story short, as the next couple of years progressed, I got hungry. So I ate, and ate "bad" food, and ate more, and ate in secret.
So here we are, 15 years and 50 extra kilos later... still eating!
Obviously there's more to the story than that, but for the purpose of this blog, and it merely being an introduction - we'll leave it at that.

So now I'm 33, engaged to a loving and supporting man, & am struggling with various health issues, which carrying excess weight does not help!!! (I'll go into more detail about these health issues & their impact later).
I feel that it's time to take responsibility for my life, health, and ultimately my happiness.
Currently weighing in at around 114kg (I'll check my weight in the morning, along with some other stats soon) - I would really like to reach 85kg in time for my wedding, in just under 11 months.
My fiancé & I would also like to fall pregnant - but it's so far been about 30 months without success.
There are so many reasons to lose weight and look after my health, yet there seem to be so many barriers to me achieving these goals. I'm hoping that writing my thoughts down and sharing them with you will somehow help to clarify things and get it happening. And hey, if I inspire someone else along the way then that's a bonus!

So please, sign up to follow me on my journey, and share your thoughts and comments with me along the way!

B.

The journey of a lifetime begins.

Greetings and salutations!
I have decided to create a blog. A journal of my personal thoughts and adventures, if you will.
I've chosen the name Road 85 as a sort of metaphorical road-sign directing my weight-loss journey... 
Although admittedly I was apprehensive about selecting a target weight and committing to it as a title for the blog, I figured, we all have to start somewhere!!!
So please join me on my journey-
A journey of weight loss, fitness, health, and happiness.